"It may have taken centuries for man to discover the New World, but it only takes a second for me to kick you in the testicles."
"Relationships are founded upon the basic principle of give and take . . . women give you hell, then take all your money
"Pissing on a dumpster is simple, but pissing on a cat . . . now that takes skill"
"Blondes have more fun . . . only because they are too damn stupid to realize when they are being taken advantage of"
"They gave me the choice: my ideal job, perfect health, or the love of my life . . . I politely declined all three since none involved whiskey or guns"
"People keep telling me I need to look for a job . . . but for me that's like checking the bottom of my shoes when I smell dog shit. I don't really want to work for stupid people any more than I care to see a squished dog turd."
"Which came first the chicken or the egg? . . . neither one . . . sex came first!"
"I look more fondly on old friends who have passed away with each new day. At least I know for a fact they will never ask for money or stab me in the back."
"I'm counting on all that time I spent watching dumb movies to pay off at some point. I now know to shoot zombies in the head, stab vampires in the heart with a wooden stake, and shoot werewolves with a silver bullet. And to think people say children don't learn anything from TV"
"If we are going to cover our asses on this one, we'd better find a bigger blanket"
"Death, Taxes, and telemarketers when I'm trying to take a nap"
"I think you can sum up your dating life by how you shop. That being the case, I'm destined to complain about the prices and wander for all eternity unable to find what I want."
"In life we jump off many cliffs. I just choose not to scream on the way down."
"At one point I thought I might die young. Now I realize I will just die immature."
"The scariest thing in the world is reality."